


Civil War: The Remix

by vaqabond



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack fic tbh, Gen, Humorous, Light-Hearted, Mild Language, imagine spending 1k words describing two white men rapping and fighting over who's better, peter bucky and sam watch in disbelief, steve and tony duke it out with sick rhymes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 13:52:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14190387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaqabond/pseuds/vaqabond
Summary: Tony challenges Steve to the whitest rap battle of history. Peter, Sam, and Bucky watch in horror.





	Civil War: The Remix

**Author's Note:**

> Original Prompt: Characters have a rap battle that goes horribly wrong.  
> http://fanficy-prompts.tumblr.com/post/166012660800/crack-prompt
> 
> This was supposed to be a character study but it slowly became a really long shitpost.
> 
> hey wanna maybe check out my new server? https://discord.gg/AyH6pwK

Tony came barreling into the main lounge in the Avengers Tower. While Sam cooked a small lunch, Peter and Steve sat on the bar table, idling chatting and doodling on a spare piece of paper.

  


“Hey. Hey Cap. Steve. Coldass, look over here for a sec!”

  


Steve put down the pencil he was holding and turned around in his seat, an unamused look in his eyes. Peter turned to look as well, but Sam was too preoccupied with his cooking to observe the scene.

  


Tony cleared his throat. “Hey there Cap, it’s me, Tony Stark. I have both a bite and a hard fuckin’ bark. But you, however, are stale and--”

  


“Tony!” Cap interrupted. “What are you doing? This is unprofessional.”

  


“I’m challenging you to a rap battle, dawg.” Tony threw his hands down in a pose, trying to appear badass. He wasn’t. Peter struggled not to laugh as his idol.

  


“Well, it’s mean. You should stop, especially when kids are present.”

  


“Hey, I can handle it!” Peter exclaimed. “I hear that stuff all the time, I attend public school.”

  


“See? Kid’s fine Steve. Now, let me start over again. Hey there--”

  


“No!” Steve got up from his seat at the counter and pointed at the man in a scolding dad sort of way. “You’re not rapping here.”

  


Tony threw up his hands in a big shrugging motion. “Only way to make me stop is to participate in the rap battle, Cap.”

  


“I will not.”

  


Tony stood silent for a moment. He began to speak again, despite Steve’s wishes. “Hey there Cap, it’s me, Tony Stark. I have both a bite and a hard fuckin’ bark. But you, however, are stale and the like. Take the hint, and take a hike!”

  


Tony threw an invisible mic at Steve, who did not reciprocate the action.

  


“You were... supposed to catch that Cap,” Tony explained. Steve responded with a glare. Peter was watching with wide eyes, and Sam finally laid down his utensils and began to watch the commotion as well.

  


Steve sighed and caved in. He tapped his invisible mic. “Is this thing on?”

  


Sam leaned over and whispered to Peter. “Hey, what are they trying to do?”

  


“Rap battle,” Peter replied.

  


“Oh no. They’re too old and… _white_ for this kinda crap.”

  


“Shh. They’re kinda bad, but I wanna see what happens.”

  


Steve inhaled deeply and began his response. “At least when I fight, I don’t... hide in armor. I fight man to man, skin to skin. I’m a... real lady charmer.” He wasn’t as quick as Tony with his replies.

  


“Pretty good, old man,” Tony responded, “But you see, you hide behind your dinner plate, and you don’t act on the offense. Only in self-defense, on the fence you are about using weapons at your dispense.”

  


“I don’t think you’re using that word right. It’s ‘ _at your disposal_ ,’” the captain replied coldly.

  


“No shut up, I know what I’m doing.”

  


“No you don’t! If you’re going to rap at me, do it right.”

  


“Grammar doesn’t have to be perfect! It just needs to rhyme!”

  


As the two old men bickered, Sam whispered to Peter again. “I’m suffering severe secondhand embarrassment. If I die, I want you to have Redwing.”

  


“If I die, I want you to have my web-shooters.”

  


“In that case, I hope they continue.” As Sam stepped away to grab a quick drink, Bucky entered the room and took a seat at the counter next to Peter.

  


“Hey, what’s happening?” Bucky asked him, sounding like he woke up just a few minutes ago despite it being midday.

  


Peter doesn’t think he’s had a conversation with the man before now. What a great time to meet his fellow Avenger formally for the first time. “They were having a rap battle earlier, but now they’re just yelling.”

  


Bucky surveyed the scene. Steve’s arms were high in the air, and Tony seemed to almost be pulling out his hair.

  


“What’s the point in singing if you aren’t even going to use English correctly!?”

  


“It’s rap! It’s supposed to sound as offensive as possible, not eloquent!”

  


Bucky whispered to himself. “Oh god, is this some sort of fever dream?” Peter let out a slight chuckle.

  


“Okay, then let me try rapping your way then! Hi, I’m Tony Stark and I failed English in third grade. This sentence only needs to rhyme, so ‘made.’”

  


“At least _try_ to be funny, Polar Cap! For instance, I think you’re a real jackass right now, being mean, always on the prowl. About my rhymes, I don’t mean to boast. But maybe you should return to the ice and heal that roast.” Tony sounded progressively angrier the longer he worked through his lines.

  


Sam returned to Peter and Bucky with two Coronas and a juice box. “They sound absolutely terrible. They should just stop where they are so they don’t make even _bigger_ fools of themselves.”

  


“Do they normally fight about rhymes?” Peter asked, grabbing the juice obviously meant for him

  


“They don’t normally fight about _anything_ , especially something as petty as this.”

  


Bucky cracked open a cold one and took a large swig. “I can’t believe I used to stick up for that nerd. Looking at him now--rapping. I kinda think he deserves to be bullied. Christ.”

  


Oblivious to Bucky’s comment, Steve’s voice raised, a serious tone taking over. “Hey Tony, chill the fuck out. I doubt your mother would appreciate you talking that way to a war veteran.”

  


Tony’s face was seething red. Before he can forge his reply, JARVIS relayed a message over the intercoms. “Sir, your rhymes aren’t at all what they seem. You and Steve are friends and belong to the same team. Before your rhymes tear each other apart, consider that your rapping skills are bad; merely subpar.”

  


Tony’s anger slowly melted off his face, and he began to laugh. “JARVIS, pal, never rap again. Ever.”

  


“You made me this way. On a more serious note, you’re late to your meeting with Mrs. Potts.”

  


“ _Oh._ ” Tony began to speed walk to the elevator. Steve turned and looked back at the counter for the first time since the battle, and found that everyone had been watching their little play.

  


“Nice rhymes, Ice Cube,” Sam snickered. Steve’s face grew pink in embarrassment.

**Author's Note:**

> Suggested but unused titles:
> 
> Ice Cube and Iron Thug  
> Avalanche and 24karat  
> Titanic ft. Robot boy  
> Old Man Yells at Cloud  
> Grandpa Disses Rich Dude  
> Visuals by Lil Barnes  
> 70 Year Old vs. Philanthropist  
> Epic Rap Battles of History  
> Grandad vs. Sugar Daddy


End file.
